I must admit that I unfortunately neglected "The Loved Up Lounge" section on the blog. With the New Year however comes new resolutions so here is mine - I purpose to post more frequently on matters of the heart, {So help me God}.
I know it may seem weird that my first post after the long hiatus on Loved-Up- Lounge would be on conflict resolution right? Well, I believe that if only couples could cultivate a culture of handling their conflicts and resolving them in good time; then we would have less hurting hearts and more happy couples. So let's delve into this :-).
You meet Prince Charming, he sweeps you off your feet & before you know what hit you, cupid is overly happy with his perfect aim. You are soon head over heels - you enjoy each other's company, can't wait to spend time together and the endless phone conversations become your daily dose of happy which you patiently look forward to. You are bursting with gratitude to God for bringing "Adam" your way & heave a sigh of relief as you envision your "Happily Ever After". Fast forward & your blissful stay in Mapenziville is rudely interrupted by a conflict. You are downcast and cannot understand why you are in conflict with Prince Charming....I mean it seemed like the perfect fairy tale, why then is it causing you strive? *Sigh* So many thoughts run through your head and among them is the extreme of moving out of Mapenziville. Not too fast though, hold your horses love birds. Conflicts in relationships are very normal. Check this out, "Couples who fight often are most likely stronger than couples who do not. It's not the fighting that makes them stronger, it is what takes place after the fighting; the make up. It is coming to the realization that your relationship is more important than your differences. It involves acts of forgiveness and acceptance of one's mistakes. You fight and you learn something new about the person and that is how it works. Real relationships aren't perfect but perfect relationships aren't real".
Couples having disagreements & fights is very normal; you are two individuals from completely different backgrounds so you can expect that there will be difference in opinion that may sometimes cause conflict. It is therefore important to know how to deal with and resolve a conflict when it arises. Remember that you love your partner so the last thing you would want to do is hurt them. Much as you may not be reading from the same page at the time of conflict, my prayer is that the love that you share will hold you together. So before you decide you wanna take the next available flight out of Mapenziville, consider the following:
Don't run, stay and work it out: I can assure you that this is easier said than done. Walter Bradford Cannon describes human & animal response to threatening situations in two ways - fight or flight. If I may ask, which of the two are you? Do you run away from a conflict to avoid dealing with it in the hope that it will resolve itself given time or do you stay and iron out issues no matter how tough it is? Unresolved conflict can cause untold suffering so if you are a "flighter", you might want to reconsider and stick around to fix things. Given, there may be too many raw emotions involved that may hinder level headed reasoning and goes without saying this will be a hindrance to meaningful discussions. If you find yourself in such a situation, take some time away from each to cool off and gather your thoughts. When both of you are calm enough, you need to have an open and honest conversation, don't be afraid to say what you feel. Avoid sweeping issues under the carpet cause they will come back to haunt you later on if they remain unresolved.
Avoid Hurtful Words & Actions: Remember the whole idea of conflict resolution is to deal with its root cause and come to an amicable solution so it is vital that you avoid attacking your partner's character or belittling their feelings. Do all you can to avoid using harsh words on your partner cause they can never be taken back once you utter them. William Chapman couldn't have put it any better; words cut deeper than knives, a knife can be pulled out but words are embedded into our soul. The last thing you would want to do is utter hurtful words that will keep haunting both of you.
Remember, You Are A Team: As I keep stating, keep in mind that even as you sort through the conflict - you love your partner so you need to treat them lovingly. The end result of a fight should be reconciliation {except in extreme circumstances where there are irreconcilable differences}. Your focus should not be on who is right or wrong, but on how to get through the fight in the best possible way. You are playing for the same team so treat your partner as your team mate not rival.
Don't Fight Dirty: As a couple, chances are high that you have opened up about your fears & shortcomings which leaves both of you very vulnerable. During a conflict, avoid the temptation to bring up your partner's weaknesses. Chances are that your partner will build an emotional wall and lock you out. It is also wise to steer clear of bringing up previous issues that have already been settled. Learn to handle the matter at hand and deal with it conclusively.
Take Responsibility: The mature thing to do during conflict resolution is to take responsibility and own up to your mistakes. It takes two to tango - you may not have been the instigator of the conflict but you sure played a part in its escalation - so own your mistakes. Avoid shifting blame to your partner and making them shoulder all responsibility for the conflict.
Once You Forgive, Forget: A well resolved conflict usually ends up in either parties forgiving each other and agreeing to continue with the relationship. It is important to make sure that once you forgive, you need to forget and and move on. Don't keep reminding your partner of the mistakes.
Closure; Much as the end result of a well resolved conflict is making up, there are extreme situations where walking away is the best way forward. Irreconcilable differences may make it difficult to keep pursuing the relationship as getting back together will only hurt both of you. In case you get to this point, kindly give each other closure and walk away with respect. Don't leave any loose ends, make sure that both of you agree to respect each other's space and have an understanding that you have released each other to pursue relations with other people once you heal.
Disclaimer: I have steered clear addressing conflict resolution in marriage because that is a complex area of which I have neither the experience nor the expertise. I have stuck to the point of view of committed relationships cause that is what I understand and have experience of. Hopefully in the coming few months or so I will be able to write from a married person's perspective :-). *Hint*Hint*
Don't run, stay and work it out: I can assure you that this is easier said than done. Walter Bradford Cannon describes human & animal response to threatening situations in two ways - fight or flight. If I may ask, which of the two are you? Do you run away from a conflict to avoid dealing with it in the hope that it will resolve itself given time or do you stay and iron out issues no matter how tough it is? Unresolved conflict can cause untold suffering so if you are a "flighter", you might want to reconsider and stick around to fix things. Given, there may be too many raw emotions involved that may hinder level headed reasoning and goes without saying this will be a hindrance to meaningful discussions. If you find yourself in such a situation, take some time away from each to cool off and gather your thoughts. When both of you are calm enough, you need to have an open and honest conversation, don't be afraid to say what you feel. Avoid sweeping issues under the carpet cause they will come back to haunt you later on if they remain unresolved.
Avoid Hurtful Words & Actions: Remember the whole idea of conflict resolution is to deal with its root cause and come to an amicable solution so it is vital that you avoid attacking your partner's character or belittling their feelings. Do all you can to avoid using harsh words on your partner cause they can never be taken back once you utter them. William Chapman couldn't have put it any better; words cut deeper than knives, a knife can be pulled out but words are embedded into our soul. The last thing you would want to do is utter hurtful words that will keep haunting both of you.
Remember, You Are A Team: As I keep stating, keep in mind that even as you sort through the conflict - you love your partner so you need to treat them lovingly. The end result of a fight should be reconciliation {except in extreme circumstances where there are irreconcilable differences}. Your focus should not be on who is right or wrong, but on how to get through the fight in the best possible way. You are playing for the same team so treat your partner as your team mate not rival.
Don't Fight Dirty: As a couple, chances are high that you have opened up about your fears & shortcomings which leaves both of you very vulnerable. During a conflict, avoid the temptation to bring up your partner's weaknesses. Chances are that your partner will build an emotional wall and lock you out. It is also wise to steer clear of bringing up previous issues that have already been settled. Learn to handle the matter at hand and deal with it conclusively.
Take Responsibility: The mature thing to do during conflict resolution is to take responsibility and own up to your mistakes. It takes two to tango - you may not have been the instigator of the conflict but you sure played a part in its escalation - so own your mistakes. Avoid shifting blame to your partner and making them shoulder all responsibility for the conflict.
Once You Forgive, Forget: A well resolved conflict usually ends up in either parties forgiving each other and agreeing to continue with the relationship. It is important to make sure that once you forgive, you need to forget and and move on. Don't keep reminding your partner of the mistakes.
Closure; Much as the end result of a well resolved conflict is making up, there are extreme situations where walking away is the best way forward. Irreconcilable differences may make it difficult to keep pursuing the relationship as getting back together will only hurt both of you. In case you get to this point, kindly give each other closure and walk away with respect. Don't leave any loose ends, make sure that both of you agree to respect each other's space and have an understanding that you have released each other to pursue relations with other people once you heal.
Disclaimer: I have steered clear addressing conflict resolution in marriage because that is a complex area of which I have neither the experience nor the expertise. I have stuck to the point of view of committed relationships cause that is what I understand and have experience of. Hopefully in the coming few months or so I will be able to write from a married person's perspective :-). *Hint*Hint*